Analyzing Contradictions

Analyzing Contradictions – 12/30/20 – 7:47 P.M. – 8:24 P.M., 1/20/21 5:18 p.m., 6/10/21 9:10 a.m.

I had to recalibrate my thoughts. I was producing writing, but nothing was all that noteworthy. I got tired of going on a diatribe about my personal past describing irrelevant details to anyone but me and perhaps my therapist. 

I decided to take advice that I have heard multiple times; to just structure chapters. Pick a theme and go with it, instead of running out of gas with an undefined theme 20 pages in for at least the second if not third time. My goal at the beginning of November I believe (will have to verify in journal) is to write 100 pages of formal writing by January 1st, 2021. So technically I have met this goal, but it is a hollow one. I should have specified that someone can read. I tried reading my own writing a while back, aloud, and it was not an overly pleasant experience.  I tried to edit and formally type some of this in the last couple of weeks but it was tedious work due to my obsessive compulsive perfectionism. It has taken me many months to just get comfortable writing nonsense everyday, how many more will it take to get legible thoughts?

Today, I decided that I can’t write a fiction novel right now. This seemed the easiest thing to do, but I am waving the white flag for now. It is actually more difficult to write fiction because all layers of the story must make sense. Everytime I think I have my story checked and balanced, another fault comes through. I had a great beginning (finally), or at least a plot around the writing I already had instead of running into dead ends, a middle that I could just roll with once arrived at this juncture with all the puzzle pieces being clear depending on what was logical to expand upon, and lastly my prized ending that I literally went through hell to make plausible from a universal perspective. But oh wait..the character that would be so noble in the end would be impossible to come out of the character they were in the beginning? I had enough of the analysis paralysis, I can no longer beat myself for something that only a handful of people may read or care about. I have to build my concept(s) upon something that is relatable to as many intellectual savvy humans as possible. If not, it is insanity to try and grow an idea. I am not in writing to pander to an audience, but I am a realist and know that you will only be considered worthy of a person’s time and interest if they have drawn enough conclusions that they require to explore their admiration for your personality. If not, then you might as well take the old fashioned capitalist driven exploitation model and ride it to the fullest. If that was the case why in the world would I write. It is not a profitable avenue for the many, only the promoted few. I don’t have a lifetime to wait for the fruits of my labor to be validated, I have to make a living somehow, so while Altruism is the long term goal, Responsibility is the short term goal. The challenge is to not dwell in contradictions. Peace and Love be with you.

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